What To Do When Your Specific Person is Emotionally Unavailable
Hello, welcome! I'm so happy you're here.
In this post, I'm going to talk about what to do if your specific person is emotionally unavailable or if you tend to attract people who are emotionally unavailable or become emotionally unavailable. This is a big topic, and I'm excited to dive into it with you. It's really important because, of course, being in a relationship where someone is emotionally unavailable does not feel good. So what do you do about this? That's what I'm going to talk about in this post.
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What do you do if your specific person is emotionally unavailable? What do you do if you attract emotionally unavailable people? What do you do if you have this pattern occurring in your reality? This is a really important question.
So, the first place we have to look—first and last place we have to look, honestly—when it comes to what's appearing in our reality is ourselves, right? Because we are the ultimate creator of what is appearing out there. You are the creator. You are creating what is appearing in your reality, including how people show up with you. And you're creating it with your own beliefs, your own assumptions, your self-concept, your expectations, how you expect to be treated, what you expect is going to happen relationally.
Okay, so let's look at this first, and then we're going to look at the other person.
If you have a pattern of someone showing up in your life who is emotionally unavailable—what's emotionally unavailable? Essentially, it means they're distant, they're not present with you, they can't hang out when you have emotion, they’re really just not available to be present with you. And it doesn't even have to be just emotionally unavailable. Maybe they're just unavailable in all ways—who knows? But essentially, unavailability means they are distant from you at a certain point in time.
Now, when we are taking radical responsibility for our realities and how people show up with us, this can only mean one thing: it means that you have some sort of expectation that people are not going to show up for you, not going to be there for you, not going to be able to hang with you, not going to have space with you—all of these things.
Now, where do we develop expectations like this? There are a lot of places we develop them. As you guys know, I have a background in psychology, and when I've done years of my own work, I recognize that my patterns in relationships came from old patterns from my family dynamic with my parents. So, an easy one—if you create a pattern where someone's emotionally unavailable to you, it essentially means that you developed somewhere along the way the expectation that the person who's most important to you is not going to be there for you.
If you want, you can dive into where that stemmed from, where that came from, and specifically what happened. If you want, I have done that work, and personally, I don't feel that it's actually necessary because I do feel that we don't have to know how we became how we are to change it. All you need to do to change any pattern that's occurring in your reality is to change who you are in this moment. It's not necessary for you to understand where it came from.
I spent years in therapy, like eight years—lots and lots of therapy—and while I understand myself deeply and understand my patterns because of that, it's not actually what changed me. What changed me was when I started taking responsibility for what was showing up in my reality and recognizing how people show up out there is directly related to what I expect.
There are two things that I feel are really important to change a pattern with someone who is emotionally unavailable. The first thing—the second thing, I mean, is maybe a little more surprising, and I’ll get into that second—but the first thing is, you have to change your expectations of other people. You have to change your expectations of other people. You have to start to expect that people are going to show up for you. You have to start to expect that people are going to be present with you. You have to start to expect that people are going to be there for you.
I just did a post on fierce self-love, and actually, this is a really important key to start changing your expectations with other people. Because what I talk about in that post—which you can read afterward if you want—with fierce self-love, we start setting boundaries and saying, "This is not how I’m going to be treated anymore. I'm changing my expectations of how I will be treated. I'm changing my standards, my assumptions of how I'm going to be treated." And when you start changing what you expect from other people, they have to change as well.
Of course, you can do this with a specific person, and you can do this in general. But how you're going to do it is, you're going to go into your inner world, drop in, and start creating imaginal acts where you feel people showing up for you, where you feel people staying with you, where you feel a specific person having space for you in whatever state you are in. You feel another person’s presence consistently. You create a new inner experience where this is happening with that person or with any person. And as you’re practicing a "living in the end" experience like this, you are impressing your subconscious mind with a new reality—a reality where someone shows up for you, is there for you. And as you create that new inner reality, it’s going to mold and shape the outer world where that starts to happen. That’s how it works.
The second thing I want to say, and this is very, very important and maybe not talked about as much—I mean, I talk about it, and I know other people talk about it as well—but it may not be as obvious. This is an important step in shifting your reality with emotionally unavailable people. And this is: you have to become available to yourself. You have to become emotionally available to yourself.
This is super important. I tend to live with the belief system that people are going to treat you how you treat yourself, or that how you're treating yourself is really going to impact what you expect from other people. So, it's not entirely true—it’s true that you can be emotionally unavailable to yourself and still create someone to be available for you—that's true. However, it’s a lot easier, and you're going to feel a lot better in your life, if you start showing up and being emotionally available to yourself.
Just by doing that—so this is an experience of self-love, showing up for yourself, and I'm going to talk about how to do it—just by doing that, you're going to start to naturally shift your expectations of how others are going to treat you as well. So I would recommend doing both of these steps.
To become emotionally available to yourself, what does this mean? The biggest thing I think it means is showing up for yourself during the times when you don't feel good—when you feel sad, when you feel hurt, whatever you're feeling. What you'll notice is sometimes when we don't feel good and we feel hurt, that's when we start chasing other people to get them to treat us a certain way. But if you're chasing other people to try to get them to treat you a certain way, you're not actually becoming emotionally available to yourself. So becoming emotionally available to yourself is showing up for yourself in the ways that you would want someone to show up for you.
A good way to practice this is to ask yourself, "If my specific person was emotionally available to me, or if people were emotionally available to me, how would they show up for me? What types of things would they do?" Write down that list. It's probably going to be things along the lines of: "When I'm hurt, they stay with me. They are consistently present with me. When I text, they respond. I just feel that they're consistently there for me." Things like this—that feels like someone who's available.
Now, once you create a list like that, you need to look at your own behavior with yourself, and you need to see if you are treating yourself in that same way. When you are hurt, are you showing up for yourself and being there for yourself? Are you telling yourself things like, "I'm not going to leave you. I'm here"? Are you being incredibly present with yourself through thick and thin? If you want someone else to be present with you through thick and thin, you've got to do that with yourself.
Again, it's not a hard-and-fast rule, but I would say that's the way to do it. That's the easiest way to create this new way in your reality, is by showing up for yourself in the way that you want other people to.
When we start showing up for ourselves in the way that we want other people to, then we start expecting other people to treat us that way too.
This is what to do if someone in your reality is emotionally unavailable. Start creating imaginal acts of that person, or people in general, being available to you, and also really evaluate how available you are being to yourself, and shift your own practices with yourself. This is self-love. I'll link my self-love playlist up there. This is self-love—start shifting your self-love practices. Start showing up for yourself, and you're going to create a reality where other people are showing up for you too.
Thank you guys for being here with me in this post. It's a big topic; there's a lot to it, but it's really important. If you're going through something like this, if you want someone to show up for you, the good news is, you can create that to happen. It just takes inner shifting of your self-concept, your expectations, and how you're treating yourself. And through these practices of self-love and radical self-responsibility, you can create an experience of someone being available to you.
If you want to dive into this topic more, you can check out my Ultimate Self-Concept & Manifestation Course . It's all about healing, and it will go more into this type of pattern.
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